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unsent letter


Dear Quentin

It’s raining outside, quite hard actually, and it’s pretty cold tonight. Trying really hard not to think about the time I told you that I had actually never ever kissed in the rain; and you took me outside into the slight drizzle and kissed me. The soft drops falling on my cheeks and resting on our lips, it was nothing like the movies; it was cold, wet and just plain right uncomfortable. But somehow it was perfect. That moment was perfect.

Tomorrow it’s exactly a month since we last spent time together. It was just a simple lunch at Bella on a Wednesday. I was rambling about school, family and just life in general, while you sat patiently listening, giving your opinion every now and then, and puffing on your cigarette. You were wearing one of your stupid hats and a red shirt, god you always looked so good in red! We both had pasta, and you taught me how to eat pasta the Italian way with a spoon. I was so excited; I finally didn’t mess all over my chin trying to slurp up all the spaghetti. And you were so supportive of my new development that you went on to say that I ate with a spoon and a fork even better than you did!

If I had known that things were about to end, I would never have said that I was joking when I said ‘I’m not going to stop at your house, I’m going to drive all the way to my house and kidnap you!’ I would just have done it! At least that way I would never have found myself at the club parking lot on the following Friday night, sitting in my car, cursing at myself for crying and cursing at you for standing me up.

You were drunk Friday night, went home to pass out you said, never even mentioned our plans; there wasn’t even the tiniest sign of remorse or even a sorry. Just a phone call explaining that on Friday night you were drunk, had no idea what happened, had a bump on your head, or was it a cut? I can’t remember. Something about being drunk at work, leaving early and getting fired. It was all very vague. Made no sense. And that was it. That phone call, full of confusion, was the last time we spoke.

I tried so hard to get in touch, but you ignored me. For days, you ignored every phone call and every text. I had no idea what was going on. I was so worried that something had happened to you. I felt alone, betrayed and unappreciated and worthless. Did I really mean nothing to you? Was I really so insignificant? Did I really have no say in our end? You just decided things were over. I had no say. I couldn’t explain how I felt. I couldn’t defend myself. I couldn’t do anything. You decided for me. You decided our fate. You decided on our end.

I guess what hurts me the most is the disappointment I feel. How I now feel like I was giving myself to someone who I actually don’t even know at all. I believed in you, every project you mentioned; I was there in the back rooting for you. Every time someone asked what I saw in you and how you were a complete right off; I was there clenching my fists, standing up for you, pointing out every good quality, shutting down everything they said. I wish every day that everyone as well as yourself could see you through my eyes and see how much you were worth. I wish you could have seen that you were good enough for me. I wish that I now felt that I was at least good enough and worth enough to receive an explanation, not just silence.

I just wish you for one second didn't see me as a little girl that should be protected from the world. That you didn't see yourself as such a bad influence. That you didn't seeyourself as a threat. Now though, I guess I should have believed you from the start when you said that you simply weren't good enough for me.

Now you’ve apparently said that you just forgot the world. But the world didn’t forget you. I didn’t forget you! I was still there. I am still here!

What kills me is that at the age of 21, I am not naïve; I have had my fair share of misfortune. But when you looked into my eyes and played with my hair, every word you said; I took it literally. I took everything to heart. I felt every touch for more than just the physical but for what it meant. Every smile is still engraved in my memory, the sound of your laughter still echoes. Your memory is still here. Even if you never meant anything, your memory still lives on in my heart; even if it is just a lie.

Now, out of everything I gave you and that you gladly took. The one thing I’ll miss the most, is my virginity.

I don’t regret making love to you. I sometimes just wish that you appreciated my most intimate gift. That you felt honoured that I chose you. That it meant something to you. Mostly that you cared enough about me to give me an explanation when you left.

But now today, a month later…

I wish I wasn’t here alone, in the rain, knowing that you were the man I chose to give myself to.
And I,

I was simply just another girl.


' i would rather kill myself, than commit suicide'
-Julius Malema 
since my last post on January 22nd:

my car got stolen :(
old Britney Madison. 
1987 toyota corola, she was cream.

get this...

there was a man who said he would watch my car for me, while i walked into the club to get my friends.
i get back 10 minutes later and um...
DUDE, WHERE@S MY CAR?
fanfuckingtastic my car is gone,
so of course first instinct is to ask the man that said he would watch it for me.
and i look for him...
and he is no where to be found.

i am CONVINCED that he stole my car. 

sigh :(

it was a really really sad day....


but anyway i did get a new car, she is lovely :) 


and 

i cut my hair really short, it landed up looking like i was wearing a helmet on my head. like a hair helmet. it was honestly revolting. i look horrid! so today i am going to cut it again, even shorter :) 


there is more news, but that will be all for now. 

oh p.s. fashion course is amazing! i made two dresses and two skirts this holiday! will post photos sometime when i wear them!

sigh

 well i just got back from clubbing with friends. i had a good time i suppose...
but i seemed to find myself staring at all the puppets, wondering if i would ever fit into the show. 
i simply dont fit in too easily and sometimes i wish it wasnt so. 
but thats just the way it goes. 

my throat is extremely sore, as i am still actually recovering from a cold! and i am slightly drunk maybe? i wouldnt call myself drunk, but i have been drinking soooo. 

i really feel like cutting too and i feel suicidal 
- crazy, alone, and drunk!
NOT a good combination! 

then of course there is the loneliness, i miss Gareth. which is horribly annoying, because i haven't even thought much of him. until he just decided to start texting me again! its like rubbing salt on old wounds. now every time i speak to him, i feel my heart breaking again. its ridiculous! 

but there is good news!!!

i have moved into my new house and it is lovely. 
and i love my car :) i'm going for my licence on the 2nd of feb, now i'm just riding around with my learners. 
i also start classes on Monday! i am super excited, but extremely nervous at the same time! 

anyways i am going to get into bed and sleep, before i hurt myself! i hate fearing myself. i realy have not felt this way in ages. i have been in control!

snaps for me!

 i am finally getting over that wank shaft gareth!

YAY!

it actually really feels good. i am focusing on myself again, and i can do whatever i want without worrying what the significant other will think! dont get me wrong, i am still madly in love with him and i miss him like crazy! 
but i am doing better.

after spending a week in bed, moping and eating chocolate! 

i am actually ready to start over :)

yesterday i starting sewing again :) i'm making a dress to wear to my best friends 21st. i am so excited. it was fun, for a few hours it was just me and a sewing machine, no thinking about Gareth! never underestimate the power of being creative!!!!

also yesterday i went for a walk and i have decided to start jogging daily again. i think i will be able to start jogging daily again without becoming obsessed with it and relapsing into my eating disorder :) i have come so far. WELL DONE! 


kasabian - fire - - - - - LOVE THIS SONG
 today i feel so blah... which is odd because i have been so great for about three months now. i miss cutting, i wish i could cut - but its summer here and i do a lot of swimming so wherever i cut on my body - you would see it! (i suppose this is a good thing, it stops me)... its a bummer though!  i'm hardly eating - at least that is one good thing :)  anywho!!!! i have decided to get a tattoo :):):):):):):):) i'm excited :)  my plan is to get it next week sometime, my best friend amy wants to get one too, so we'll go together.  i have tomorrow and saturday to finish making a dress, i don't really have to finish it - but i would like to wear it new years eve, so i'm going try my best!  i want these shoes 

Nov. 5th, 2009

i have decided that i want to dye my hair...

but i can only do that when i am at a decent weight,
and i have to be at a decent wait for at least a month so that i know i can maintain that weight.

so my plan is to die my hair dark brown next year some time.

i'm excited :)

Nov. 5th, 2009

i cant believe im going to say this but....
i actually think i am like 89% over gareth,,,seriously i hardly think about him anymore!


in other news...i have decided to start the lemon detox master clense on saturday :)
i am so excited :)
mainly because i really have to detox, i was told to detox! and of course because then i can lose weight :)
because i really have been feeling awful about my body lately.
i even looked in the mirror today and i burst into tears :(

yesterday and today were really just horrible days, but i really feel good now :) its nice :)
pussy cat dolls - hush hush

that song?

seriously what were they thinking?
 [x ] I am shorter than 5'4".
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo. 
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ x] I had braces. 
[ ] I wear glasses. (sometimes)
[x ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ x] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[] I've sworn at my parents.
[] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

EMBARASSMENT
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I'm single.
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[x ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x ] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship. 
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't. 
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did. 
[x ] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[ x] I've hugged a stranger.
[ x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out of my house.
[x ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol. 
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[x ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. 
[ x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants. NOT ANYMORE :D
[x] I *have* anorexic or bulimic *tendencies* or have EDNOS*tendencies*.
[ x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x ] I've woken up crying.

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